You are a PARENT. Not just an adult, not just your designation at your work place, not just a spouse, not just someone’s son or daughter, but a PARENT. Let me ask you,
1) When was the last time you did something that you used to do when you were younger?
2) When was the last time you sat and thought of your past memories and experiences?
3) When was the last time you actually enjoyed some hours of your day without letting the responsibilities bother you?
4) When was the last time you actually ticked off something enjoyable on your bucket list?
5) When have you last lived like an INDIVIDUAL and not like a PARENT?
The moment you become a parent, it is expected out of you to have a surge of understanding and knowledge about parenting and guidance. As much as we would want it to happen, it doesn’t. Yes, parenting brings with countless joys with it, but it also brings great challenges. Managing and handling these challenges we feel that we are getting bogged down and unable to retain our individuality and remain a parent.
Though this article is named the way it is, I do not plan to tell anything about PARENTING. There have been thousands and lakh of books on parenting, it is also one of the most researched topics. Yet, parenting still remains a trial and error method as the combination of every household, every parent, every environment is unique.
I want to talk about the INDIVIDUAL today, who has a role to play of being a parent. Once that individual develops the self-concept, and revives those individualistic traits then the handling of the role of a parent will become easier.
1) Reflect on Your Own Childhood
Many of us want to parent differently from our parents. Even those who had good upbringing and a happy childhood may want to change some aspects of how they were brought up. But very often, when we open our mouths, we speak just like our parents did. Reflecting on our own childhood is a step towards understanding why we parent the way we do. Make note of things you’d like to change and think of how you’d do it differently in a real scenario. Try to be mindful and change your behavior the next time those issues come up. Don’t give up if you don’t succeed at first. It takes practice, lots of practice to consciously change one’s child upbringing methods.
2) Have a break!
Remember, you are no machine. Pay attention to your own well-being. Often times, things such as your own health or the health of your marriage are kept on the back burner when a child is born. If you don’t pay attention to them, they will become bigger problems down the road. Take time to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Don’t be afraid to ask for parenting help. Having some “me time” for self-care is important to rejuvenate the mind. How parents take care of themselves physically and mentally will make a big difference in their parenting. If these two areas fail, your child will suffer, too.
3) Remember like you, your child is an individual too!
It is ironic that on one hand we ask our students to think out of the box, and then get offended when they ask for the logic behind our actions. The moment we shut children from asking questions, is the moment we are dampening their curious nature and analytical skills. As a child you have questions, as an adult you have questions. Even if you don’t, the child might, because they are a different person. The more doors of communication you open for them, the more they are liable of involving you in their lives. Accept the fact that they are not your mirror, a replica or even a reflection of you. They are other individuals who might fail despite your warnings and might have flaws even though you have tried to improve them.
When we grow up, we forget what we were,
When we are young, we want to become an adult…
Our dreams, interests, passions are now in the background…
Now we live our lives through lives of our children…
Their achievements become ours, their failures become ours…
In this journey we can’t see them for who THEY really are….
4) Forgive yourself
For being able to accept the mistakes and flaws of your children, you need to make peace with your flaws and mishaps. Every individual learns through different methods. Sometimes by observing, sometimes trials and error, sometimes by conditioning and sometimes by consequences. As a parent you might have overlooked a particular thing, forgive yourself. As a parent you might have done the best thing, yet your child has made a folly. Accept the fact that you did the best you could have done. Then, treat your child as an INDIVIDUAL who has made a mistake, not someone who is just bound by your rules.
Parenting 101 is to remind yourself to think objectively. Yes, when emotions are involved with our loved ones, the mirror of reflection blurs the objective view and we begin taking things personally. That is where the conflicts, expectations and disappointments begin. No matter what I say, that is bound to happen.
Having said all that, I would like to add that when things get too complicated it important that we remind ourselves that a switch of perspectives can help a lot. Parenting 101 is about empathy. Sometimes maybe looking at the whole situation from a different angle might help. Treating our children as just an individual may help us look through the glass of objectivity. The main motive of being a parent is to nurture and guide a child, so that they are capable of handling and facing the world INDIVIDUALLY. Why not start practicing that now?
(Note: The author of this article is a counselling psychologist who works extensively with students, parents and teachers.)
Rtr. Shreya Prabhu,
Vice President, RCTH